Let There Be Light

I took a mental day off. Or at least tried to. I laid in my bed watching lights dance across my wall for the better half of my early morning-

Last night, once again, I found myself amongst classmates discussing death. How do we define it, how do we define personhood, what is a soul, does a soul even exist, what is man, is man man if there is no neocortical function, is neocortical function the essence of man, who are we to come up with guidelines based on samples and statistics, are we using science to ignore philosophy?

And that’s how I fell asleep, with heavy thoughts that neither I, nor anyone else, could satisfactory answer. In all our scientific brilliance we accepted humility in the face of the unfathomable.

That’s the problem with rationale. There comes a point where you no longer have the answers and you have to accept. If not, you go in circles and you lose something so critically important-empathy. In all of our equations, we will never have a definite variable for H. Human. And for me, G. God.

You change, when you’re twenty-three and you’re discussing death, when you’re having conversations questioning if the methods you’re learning will be debunked years from now, when you’re constantly refining your morals and values, when you have to make your heart big enough to hold everything your mind can’t answer, when you think of the day you have to stand before a family and say that their loved one is brain dead. Even if through a machine their heart is beating, even if they are still breathing, even if there might be a twitch here or there that gives some hope of life but science tells you it’s improbable, it’s meaningless. And you have to suggest to them that it’s time to let go. And you have to be confident in that suggestion. You have to be confident in how you defined death and meaning.

You change, when you’re twenty-three and you get up in the morning knowing you need a mental day off because that’s the first thing in your mind. But simple things, like watching light dance across the wall makes you feel warm and acutely self-aware of mortality and how alive and blessed you are.

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